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ავტორი: ადვოკატი კახაბერ როდინაძე
ჟანრი: იუმორისტული
3 დეკემბერი, 2011


Mark Twain (1835-1910) Running For Governor of Georgia (Sakartvelo) (Adapted by Advocate Kakhaber Rodinadze in 2011)

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Running For Governor of Georgia (Sakartvelo)
(Adapted  by Advocate Kakhaber Rodinadze in 2011)


A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of Georgia (Sakartvelo) to run against Mr. Micheil Saakashvili and Mr. Bidzina Ivanishvili as a candidate. I somehow felt that my chances for winning the election were much greater than those of Mr. Micheil Saakashvili or Mr. Bidzina Ivanishvili. During 44 years Mr. Micheil Saakashvili has been holding the post of a president or of a prime-minister of Georgia, during the same 44 years Mr. Bidzina Ivanishvili has increased his possession from 5,5 milliard to more than 1000 milliard and became the first trilliarder in the world. I believed that I could won the election as it was easy to see by the newspapers that if ever those gentlemen had known what it was to have a good name, that time had gone by. It was clear that in these latter years they had become familiar with all sorts of shameful crimes.


There was one thing, however, that was very unpleasant for me. I heard people mention my name together with those of the other two candidates who had such discredited themselves by their shameful deeds. I grew more and more disturbed. At last I wrote my grandmother asking her for advice.


Soon I got her answer. She wrote in her letter that I had never in my life done anything to be ashamed of. She advised me to read the newspapers and to look at the candidates I had to run against. She asked me to think whether I could agree to lower myself to their level and run against them in the election.


It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But after all I understood I could not back out for it was too late. I knew I had to go on fighting.


As I was looking over the papers at breakfast I came across an article and I may truly say I had never felt so amazed before.


The author of the article asked me to explain how I had intended to rob a poor woman and how the court in Micheil-Town  had convicted me of this crime by thirty-four witnesses.


When I had read this article, I thought that I should burst with amazement. It was such a cruel, heartless charge. I had never seen Micheil-Town! I had never heard anyone mention the place.


Next day came the Gazette. It wanted the new candidate for governor to explain to his fellow-citizens how his fellow-workers in Tsorvila (the native town of  Mr. Bidzina Ivanishvili)  had lost small but valuable things from time to time and always found them on Mr. Kakhaber Rodinadze’s person. Then another newspaper hinted that Mr. Kakhaber Rodinadze was concealing some even more shameful crimes. And so it went on from day to day, till at last there grew such a noisy demand for an “answer” to all these shameful charges that the leaders of my party said it would be political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. And as if to make their demand more imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:


– “Look at Advocate Kakhaber Rodinadze!  The candidate still remains silent! Because he dare not speak!”


There was no possible way out.  I had to prepare an “answer” to a mass of baseless charges. But I never finished it, for the very next morning a newspaper came out and said that I had burned a hospital with all its patients and poisoned my uncle.


And at last as a climax to all this shameless activity while speaking at a public meeting, I saw nine little children of all shades of colour run up to me, clasp me around my legs, and call me Pa!


Then I gave up. I saw I was not equal to the requirements of an election campaign in the state of Georgia (Sakartvelo) and so I sent in my withdrawal from the candidacy.


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Mark Twain (1835-1910)
მარკ ტვენი (1835-1910)



როგორ ვიყრიდი კენჭს საქართველოს  (ჯორჯიის) შტატის გუბერნატორის პოსტზე
(ადაპტირებული თარგმანი შესრულებულია ადვოკატ კახაბერ როდინაძის მიერ 2011 წელს)


რამდენიმე თვის  წინ საქართველოს (ჯორჯიის) შტატის გუბერნატორის პოსტზე მისტერ მიხეილ სააკაშვილთან და მისტერ ბიძინა ივანიშვილთან  ერთად მეც წამოვაყენე ჩემი კანდიდატურა. მისტერ მიხეილ სააკაშვილი 44 წლის განმავლობაში იყო საქართველოს (ჯორჯიის) შტატის ხან პრეზიდენტი  და ხან პრემიერ-მინისტრი, ხოლო მისტერ ბიძინა ივანიშვილთან  იმავე 44 წლის განმავლობაში უკვე ტრილიარდელი გახდა. დარწმუნებული ვიყავი, რომ არჩევნებში გამარჯვებისთვის  გაცილებით მეტი შანსი მქონდა, ვიდრე მისტერ მიხეილ სააკაშვილს და მისტერ ბიძინა ივანიშვილს. აშკარა იყო, რომ ამ ჯენტლმენებს საკმაოდ შელახული რეპუტაცია ჰქონდათ. საკმარისი იყო გაზეთებისთვის თვალის ერთი გადავლებაც კი იმის მისახვედრად, რომ უკანასკნელი წლების განმავლობაში ამ ჯენტლმენებს უამრავ სამარცხვინო დანაშაულში მიუძღოდათ ბრალი.

რამდენიმე დღის შემდეგ, როცა ვსაუზმობდი და თან ჩვეულებისამებრ გაზეთებს ვათვალიერებდი, ერთ-ერთ გაზეთში შემთხვევით საშინელი სტატია აღმოვაჩინე. უნდა გითხრათ, რომ მთელი ჩემი სიცოცხლის განმავლობაში არასდროს ვყოფილვარ ასეთი გაკვირვებული და აღშფოთებული. სტატიის ავტორი მთხოვდა მომეთხრო, თუ როგორ ვცდილობდი ვიღაც საწყალი ქალის გაძარცვას და როგორ მცნო დამნაშავედ ქალაქ მიხეილთაუნის სასამართლომ 34 მოწმის ჩვენების საფუძველზე. ეს იყო შემაძრწუნებელი, საშინელი ბრალდება. არასდროს ვყოფილვარ ქალაქ მიხეილთაუნში! მეტიც, დღემდე ასეთი ქალაქის არსებობის შესახებ არც კი ვიცოდი!

მეორე დღეს უკვე სხვა გაზეთს უნდოდა, რომ ახალ კანდიდატს გუბერნატორის პოსტზე აეხსნა ამომრჩევლებისთვის, თუ დროდადრო როგორ კარგავდნენ  ამ ახალი კანდიდატის ამხანაგი მუშები ქალაქ ჭორვილადან პატარა, მაგრამ ძვირადღირებულ ნივთებს და ყოველთვის როგორ პოულობდნენ მათ რატომღაც მისტერ კახაბერ როდინაძესთან.

მოგვიანებით სხვა გაზეთმა მიანიშნა, რომ მისტერ კახაბერ როდინაძეს სხვა კიდევ უფრო სამარცხვინო დანაშაულებებში მიუძღოდა ბრალი და ასე გრძელდებოდა დღიდან დღემდე მანამ, სანამ ამ სამარცხვინო ბრალდებებზე ჩემი მხრიდან  “პასუხის გაცემის” მოთხოვნის გამო საშინელი ხმაური არ ატყდა. იმდენად საშინელი ხმაური, რომ ჩემი წინასაარჩევნო კამპანიის ორგანიზატორები იძულებულები გახდნენ განემარტათ ჩემთვის, რომ თუ ჩემი პოლიტიკური ოპონენტები კიდევ უფრო კატეგორიულად მოითხოვდნენ “პასუხის გაცემას”, მაშინ ჩემი დუმილი პოლიტიკური კრახის ტოლფასი იქნებოდა. და თითქოს ამის დასადასტურებლად შემდეგ დღეს ერთ-ერთ გაზეთში გამოჩნდა სტატია სათაურით:

– ”შეხედეთ ადვოკატ კახაბერ როდინაძეს!  ის კვლავ დუმილს ამჯობინებს! რატომ? იმიტომ, რომ მას არაფერი აქვს სათქმელი!”

უკან დახევა უკვე აღარ შეიძლებოდა. ამ უსაფუძვლო ბრალდებების უარსაყოფად საგაზეთო სტატია უნდა დამეწერა. მაგრამ საგაზეთო სტატია ჯერ დამთავრებულიც კი არ მქონდა, რომ  მეორე დღეს უკვე სხვა გაზეთმა დამადანაშაულა საავადმყოფოს დაწვაში შიგ მყოფი ყველა ავადმყოფით  და საკუთარი ბიძის მოწამვლაში.

და ბოლოს, მთელი ამ უსირცხვილო კამპანიის მწვერვალი: საჯარო მიტინგზე გამოსვლისას ჩემთან მოირბინა ცხრა პატარა თეთრკანიანმა და შავკანიანმა ბიჭუნამ და გოგონამ, შემომეხვივნენ ირგვლივ და დამიწყეს ძახილი:

– “მამა! მამა!”

მაშინ კი დავნებდი. დავინახე, რომ აშკარად არ შევესაბამებოდი საარჩევნო კამპანიის მოთხოვნებს საქართველოს (ჯორჯიის) შტატში და მოვხსენი ჩემი კანდიდატურა საქართველოს (ჯორჯიის) შტატის გუბერნატორის პოსტზე არჩევნებიდან.

ასე დამთავრდა ჩემი პოლიტიკური კარიერა.




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P. S.

1. შეფასებისთვის წარდგენილია ადვოკატ კახაბერ როდინაძის მიერ დაწერილი (მარკ ტვენის მოთხრობიდან გადაკეთებული) იგლისურენოვანი მოთხრობა;
2. ქვემოთ გთავაზობთ მარკ ტვენის მოთხრობის ინგლისურენოვან ორიგინალ ტექსტს:


Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Running For Governor

A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New York, to run against Mr. John T. Smith and Mr. Blank J. Blank on an independent ticket. I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage over these gentlemen, and that was--good character. It was easy to see by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes. But at the very moment that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret, there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort "riling" the deeps of my happiness, and that was--the having to hear my name bandied about in familiar connection with those of such people. I grew more and more disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came quick and sharp. She said:
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed of--not one. Look at the newspapers--look at them and comprehend what sort of characters Messrs. Smith and Blank are, and then see if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a public canvass with them.
It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But, after all, I could not recede.
I was fully committed, and must go on with the fight. As I was looking listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph, and I may truly say I never was so confounded before.
PERJURY.--Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a candidate for Governor, he will condescend to explain how he came to be convicted of perjury by thirty-four witnesses in Wakawak, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor native widow and her helpless family of a meager plantain-patch, their only stay and support in their bereavement and desolation. Mr. Twain owes it to himself, as well as to the great people whose suffrages he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do it?
I thought I should burst with amazement! Such a cruel, heartless charge! I never had seen Cochin China! I never had heard of Wakawak! I didn't know a plantain-patch from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was crazed and helpless. I let the day slip away without doing anything at all. The next morning the same paper had this--nothing more:
SIGNIFICANT.--Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively silent about the Cochin China perjury.
[Mem.--During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in any other way than as "the infamous perjurer Twain."]
Next came the Gazette, with this:
WANTED TO KNOW.--Will the new candidate for Governor deign to explain to certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote for him!) the little circumstance of his cabin-mates in Montana losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his "trunk" (newspaper he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to give him a friendly admonition for his own good, and so tarred and feathered him, and rode him on a rail; and then advised him to leave a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. Will he do this?
Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that? For I never was in Montana in my life.
[After this, this journal customarily spoke of me as, "Twain, the Montana Thief."]
I got to picking up papers apprehensively--much as one would lift a desired blanket which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. One day this met my eye:
THE LIE NAILED.--By the sworn affidavits of Michael O'Flanagan, Esq., of the Five Points, and Mr. Snub Rafferty and Mr. Catty Mulligan, of Water Street, it is established that Mr. Mark Twain's vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble standard- bearer, Blank J. Blank, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal and gratuitous LIE, without a shadow of foundation in fact. It is disheartening to virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to to achieve political success as the attacking of the dead in their graves, and defiling their honored names with slander. When we think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the innocent relatives and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to incite an outraged and insulted public to summary and unlawful vengeance upon the traducer. But no! let us leave him to the agony of a lacerated conscience (though if passion should get the better of the public, and in its blind fury they should do the traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious that no jury could convict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed).
The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch that night, and out at the back door also, while the "outraged and insulted public" surged in the front way, breaking furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they came, and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. And yet I can lay my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered Mr. Blank's grandfather. More: I had never even heard of him or mentioned him up to that day and date.
[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always referred to me afterward as "Twain, the Body-Snatcher."]
The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:
A SWEET CANDIDATE.--Mr. Mark Twain, who was to make such a blighting speech at the mass-meeting of the Independents last night, didn't come to time! A telegram from his physician stated that he had been knocked down by a runaway team, and his leg broken in two places--sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth, and so forth, and a lot more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried hard to swallow the wretched subterfuge, and pretend that they did not know what was the real reason of the absence of the abandoned creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man was seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel last night in a state of beastly intoxication. It is the imperative duty of the Independents to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark Twain himself. We have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The voice of the people demands in thunder tones, "WHO WAS THAT MAN?"
It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was really my name that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three long years had passed over my head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine or liquor or any kind.
[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw myself, confidently dubbed "Mr. Delirium Tremens Twain" in the next issue of that journal without a pang--notwithstanding I knew that with monotonous fidelity the paper would go on calling me so to the very end.]
By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my mail matter. This form was common
How about that old woman you kiked of your premises which
was beging. POL. PRY.
And this:
There is things which you Have done which is unbeknowens to anybody
but me. You better trot out a few dots, to yours truly, or you'll
hear through the papers from
HANDY ANDY.
This is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was surfeited, if desirable.
Shortly the principal Republican journal "convicted" me of wholesale bribery, and the leading Democratic paper "nailed" an aggravated case of blackmailing to me.
[In this way I acquired two additional names: "Twain the Filthy Corruptionist" and "Twain the Loathsome Embracer."]
By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an "answer" to all the dreadful charges that were laid to me that the editors and leaders of my party said it would be political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. As if to make their appeal the more imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:
BEHOLD THE MAN!--The independent candidate still maintains silence. Because he dare not speak. Every accusation against him has been amply proved, and they have been indorsed and reindorsed by his own eloquent silence, till at this day he stands forever convicted. Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate your incarnate Delirium Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your Loathsome Embracer! Gaze upon him--ponder him well--and then say if you can give your honest votes to a creature who has earned this dismal array of titles by his hideous crimes, and dares not open his mouth in denial of any one of them!
There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep humiliation, I set about preparing to "answer" a mass of baseless charges and mean and wicked falsehoods. But I never finished the task, for the very next morning a paper came out with a new horror, a fresh malignity, and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum with all its inmates, because it obstructed the view from my house. This threw me into a sort of panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge of distraction. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent old relatives to prepare the food for the foundling' hospital when I warden. I was wavering--wavering. And at last, as a due and fitting climax to the shameless persecution that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nine little toddling children, of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness, were taught to rush onto the platform at a public meeting, and clasp me around the legs and call me PA!
I gave it up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal to the requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the state of New York, and so I sent in my withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of spirit signed it, "Truly yours, once a decent man, but now
"MARK TWAIN, LP., M.T., B.S., D.T., F.C., and L.E."





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